Maybe it's because I'm turning 39 next month (what? how did that happen?) or maybe it's because God is trying to help me just get over insecurity FINALLY, but some things are changing. Mostly, I'm sick and tired of wanting to do things, try things, and being too scared or intimidated to do it. Over the past five years, I've been working on cleaning out the closets in my life and I've realized that a lot of what I do is fear motivated. A lot of my choices are based on wanting people to like me. And so I constantly compare myself to other women, agree to do things I don't want to do (ack, another fundraiser? NO THANKS, I hate them), and shy away from things that really make me light up inside, all because I might fail or fear that someone will always out-perform me if I try. So here's my question: so what. So what if I fail? I might feel embarrassed? Yes. And did that ever kill me in the past? No. But fear of embarrassment has kept me from loving other people (because if I'm worrying about what they think of me, I'm totally self-absorbed and doing a lousy job at loving) and making a difference in the world, enjoying myself while I do it. So, my new goal: live life out of LOVE and not out of FEAR.
Fear has kept me bottled up and a result, a little fattened up. Oh gosh, did I just put that out in the blogosphere for everyone to see? Why yes. And guess what self, it's not the end of the world. I'm tired of comparing myself to other women, feeling inadequate and comforting myself with cookies-n-cream ice cream every night, padding myself up. But, I'm also tired of the here-I-go-again guilt and shame based dieting and exercise programs that I've done before (and been successful at until life threw another curve at me forcing me into the fetal position with BlueBell and a spoon).
So, I'm going to attempt to live a bolder life and do and try things that I might just fail miserably at. But I will have tried. I will have pushed myself out of myself and maybe just learned that I'm ok even if I'm not perfect. Because, really, if I ever attained this warped idea of perfection (which is mostly about physical temporary things I can't ever find lasting contentment in), then who would be able to relate to me anyway? When I see a gorgeous, talented woman, I'm more likely to run the other way rather than befriend her. There are probably a lot of lonely gorgeous, talented women who could really use a friend! Maybe if I can get over all of this insecurity nonsense, then I'll actually be able to BE a friend, one who befriends out of love and not self-obsessed fear.
For starters, my 8 year old daughter, who is the most gregarious, determined person I have ever met, has pushed me to do something that scares me to death. Act in a play. On stage. In front of all manner of people who might think I'm chubby or too Southern-accented (or not enough Southern-accented!); I might flub up and mess up. But I might have FUN. I might make new friends and get over a mental hurdle. I might have a blast making a lifelong memory with my daughter who will grow up all too quickly and who wants to do things WITH ME right now. So, we did it. We auditioned. We read and sang onstage with our hearts beating wildly in our chests and our palms sweaty. And guess what? We got IN!! Oh my gosh. The crazy conversations I had in my head while waiting to find out if we'd been chosen. They ranged from "I hope I don't make it so I won't have to perform on stage" to "I hope they think I'm good enough" to revisiting every moment of the audition in my head to pick it apart and then I realized...I'm obsessing about ME. About me. When this was really all about my girlie. She wanted to audition and asked me to do it with her. Selfish, self-centered, blah blah blah insecurity. Hijacked again.
So, we are going to do it. And partly because of my insecurity about being onstage, and partly because I'm tired of this extra padding that I've buffered myself with and it's about time I do something about it, I'm going to...OH, I don't want to, I love my cookies-n-cream...attempt to get myself in shape, at least a little. We're not going for triathalon material here.
And that is what is inspiring this little blog. It's not because I think you need another blog to waste your time on, it's just me choosing to be real and force myself to be my real self. Out there. In the world. Among my friends or complete strangers. This is it, folks, and you know what? This borderline 40 year old Arkansas girl matters to God and I'm a daughter of the King and Heiress of the kingdom and it's about time I started to believe it. Thanks for coming along.
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