aspiring to live life out of LOVE and not FEAR

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

3 pairs of jeans

Or is that 3 pair of jeans? Whatever. (Side note: as part of my new found freedom in imperfection, I am choosing now to resist the impulse to spell check, fret over sentence structure or try to impress you with my vocabulary. ACK! You have no idea how scary this is for me. For real. I'm that much of a people pleasing control-freak. Lord, have mercy. Confession, I just went and changed a comma to a period. I need an intervention.)

In an effort to de-fluff and love myself more (rather than spiralling into the pit of self-loathing every time I eat a cookie) I've got to get a few things straightened out. So, these are my resolutions. (Resolutions, not rules, because rules do a number on my fear-of-failure governed brain.)

1. I am going to lay my insecurity and self-worth-attached-to-body-mass-index continually before the Lord and you.

One of my FAVORITE Scriptures is this: "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so you may be healed." James 5:16. In other words, I've got to keep it honest and transparent if there's going to be any change happening in my heart. When I see a super cute skinny minny and immediately plunge into self-criticism and shame, I'm going to go to God with it. (So, in other words, I'd probably better not leave my house, watch TV and Lord help me if I see a Victoria's Secret ad 'cause the Lord is gonna be hearing ALL about it!!)

2. My value is not in numbers.

I'm not going to weigh myself or pay attention to the size on tags. I know when I feel healthy and confident in clothes and when I don't. And all numbers do is send me on the obsessive/compulsive crazy train. No thanks. Because this is as much about emotional and spiritual health as it is about physical size.

3. I'm going to give myself grace.

I'm so tired of attaching "good" and "bad" to food. If I've hardly eaten a thing except a piece of lettuce, I can say that I was "good" or if I give in and get the third pound burger combo I was "bad." This is not about morals! A donut is amoral. It's neutral. If I have one, I'm not evil. I'm not a failure. If I eat healthier choices and move my body more, I'll feel healthier. If I have late night piece of pie at Village Inn with the girls, my soul will be nourished even if my butt isn't. And really, why am I so stinkin' hard on myself?

4. I'm going to treat myself well every day and not only reward myself when I think I've "earned" it.

I'm going to doll myself up when I want to, wear the styles I like, do my nails and be in photos NOW. Not when I think I deserve it. Because "deserving" it is shame-based in my insecurity driven brain. I will treat myself with love and respect now. I won't duck out of photos or always be the photographer so that I can hide behind a camera. This is the only year 2011 there will ever be, and I don't want to look back in years to come and wonder where I spent my 30s (and 40s!).

So, here's my goal. I have three pairs of jeans to inspire me. The first pair, that are my current go-to (Walmart, that is) jeans, are my cheap-unstylish-I-feel-frumpy jeans. These are the ones I'm currently wearing. Blech.

Second, my fancy-pants jeans. They are sparkly pocketed bling jeans that used to fit and have literally gathered dust in my closet for two years. They are my goal #1 jeans.

Third, my jeans-for-a-cause jeans. I aspire to wear these because they were designed by my friend Casey and the profits go to a school in Indonesia. They're closet to my heart while furthest from my wardrobe at the present time.

I'm going to cut the sizes out of all of them.

Here we go!!

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